The Family: Prep School for Life 3/19/00
Matthew 19:4-6
JESUS CHRIST said, “Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of His Father with the holy angels” (Mark 8:38).
The words of Jesus Christ regarding marriage, family life and parenting are so disregarded and disobeyed as to indicate people are ashamed of them. Derelict parents, disobedient children, and consequenting dissolved marriages have become commonplace.
Not since 1973 has there been produced a network series depicting a loving happy family. As a result of the breakdown in parent/child relationships and the breakup of husband/wife relationships, the secular world has rationalized as reasonable and the Christian world appropriately rushed to minister to those injured by divorce while little has been said or done to affirm God’s norm for the family.
For fear of injuring those victims of broken homes, we have neglected assertions related to maintaining wholesome family ties.
Nearly two decades ago the White House Council on the Family issued this statement: “America’s families are in trouble – trouble so deep and pervasive as to threaten the future of our nation.” At that conference, Paul Popenoe of the American Institute of Family Relations stated: “No society has ever survived after its family life deteriorated.”
If the family fails, then all the other institutions of society will fail. The family is the basic unit of society under-guiding all else. It is the prep school for life. Therein we learn to live in community. If you can’t do it there you are not likely to be able to do it properly anywhere.
The basis for family life is found in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helpmate for him.”
Somebody, on behalf of Jesus Christ, needs to declare firmly that the unholy union of two people living together in the pretending role of husband and wife out of wedlock is an affront to God regardless of how pleasant and popular it may appear to be.
Trial marriages are to be rejected as possible alternatives to God’s plan.
BIBLICAL BASIS FOR MARRIAGE
I. THERE MUST BE A CAUSE – MATTHEW 19:6
“Help mate” – Genesis 2:18 = “to go along side,” or “corresponding to,” or “a second self”. This “oneness” is multi-faceted. It is: physical, spiritual, social, intellectual, and financial.
Dr. David Mace: “There are no happy marriages only marriage partners who are immature.” The problem is not with the institution of marriage but with people.
For a cake to turn out well the right ingredients in proper proportions must be added. If sour instead of fresh milk is used, an unpleasant taste results. It is the cake, however, that gets the blame not the milk.
For a marriage to work both parties have to leave adolescence behind and never return to it. Neither can mentally remain single. Two persons become one in flesh and blood through natural procuration. That is, when they join God in creating a life with an eternal destiny.
In a family setting a child learns to be a citizen, worker, friend, neighbor, mate and parent. All of this is learned through the marvelous university called the family long before the child enters first grade.
There is a generation spoken of in the Bible with which youth should strive not to identify. “There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother. There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes” (Prov. 30: 11-12).
A ruby is a rare and valuable precious stone. There are, however, other stones which closely resemble it such as the garnet and spinel. Some of these stones look so much like a ruby that only experts can discern the difference. Geologist use a dichroscope to test the stones. A dichroscope makes one see double. Two images of the same stone are seen. A genuine ruby produces one image in orange- red and another in carmine-red. The garnet and spinel each show only one color.
Real mature love under the “dichroscope” of discernment reflects two aspects. These are both illustrated by a classroom experience. A teacher was trying to explain love to a young elementary class.
Dictionary definitions were not proper for their understanding. Pupils were asked to show the teacher what love meant. The ensuing long silence was broken by one six-year old who rose slowly from her seat. She approached the teacher and giving her a big hug said, “That’s love!” Assurance was given by the teacher that one form of love had been expressed, however, she asked for further insight as to what love meant. Soon that same little girl enlisted the help of others in putting the chairs in order and tidying up the room. She then exclaimed, “Love is helping someone too!” That childish wisdom develops two aspects of mature love. Love is not only saying…it is doing. As the real ruby emits two images of varying reds so mature love shows a willingness to cooperate in doing. Cooperating is love in action. It is mobile and meaningful maturity.
Cooperation involves doing things together. Many persons have a breakdown in cooperation, simply they are not together in the right setting often enough. Work schedules, social activities, civic affairs, church-relating events, and numerous other demands divide couples’ time. Select things that can be done together. Hobbies, recreational events, and other extra-affectionate activities that can be done together build a cooperative spirit. Plan schedules to allow for time together. Keep in touch with each other.
Cooperation inevitably requires someone to adjust to the advantage of the other. It is different from capitulation. Capitulation is surrender. Cooperation is support. Don’t keep score. Score keeping implies having an opponent. Instead both parties must be proponents of fair play. Score keepers have a tendency to be forgetful of other’s good plays. They are often ultra-sensitive to their own “scores.” Associated with keeping score of who has done more than the other is the idea of defeating another. After all, scores are not really kept. They are published and reported. Reporting on ones own virtues and victories seldom gains popularity. Conversely, one should be quick to acknowledge and compliment other’s cooperative ventures.
In cooperating keep in mind these “12 Things to Remember” as listed by Marshall Field:
The value of time
The success of perseverance
The pleasure of working
The dignity of simplicity
The worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The improvement of talent
The joy of originating
There are basically three reasons for marriage:
1. One is reproduction
2. Another is for sharing life “And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Gen. 2:18).
3. The last is as a demonstration of divine love. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
Jesus left His heavenly Father and came to earth to identify with His bride, the church. This is a vital aspect of Christian marriage. As he left the Father to identify with a distinct loyalty so there is to be a parental separation from our parents when we marry. There is then a new center of allegiance and base of loyalty.
Demonstrations of love are often more meaningful than declarations of love. Neither should be neglected. Avowal and action are both assets.
II. THERE MUST BE A CLEAVING – MATTHEW 19:5
In marriage two are to “cleave” and “be one flesh”. To “cleave” means to cling, adhere to, or more literally be glued to. In Greek parlance, it means, “to be permanently bonded to.” One said of this text it means when you are married you are stuck with your partner. No, it means you are to stick to your partner.
Every marriage bond is under attack. Often these attacks are more subtle than direct. This multitude of varied assaults, no one of which is sufficient, of itself, to destroy the family, when combined have a devastating effect.
The thought of togetherness does not envision every family member sitting in front of their own television set, eating their own TV dinner, and waiting for their own phone ring. This bond must grow. Christian living is not an accomplished and completed stage, it is a growing process.
To help build this bond:
1. When problems arise attack them not one another
2. Put people before things
3. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt
4. Never argue or fight in public
5. Reserve time for each other
6. Be flexible and adjustable
If persons are going to maturely cooperate in a family framework, they cannot:
ALIENATE themselves from the other family members by doing only “what I feel like.” Disregard for others is devastating to harmony in a home.
AMPLIFY the inconsistencies and errors of others while minimizing their own. Always weight your vices and others virtues on the same scales. Romans 14: 19 says, “do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” In the word “edification” can be heard the word “edifice.” An edifice is a building. Edification means to build up one another.
AFFILIATE with individuals of organizations that demand time and attitudes contrary to what is needed to build good family life.
APPEASE carnal appetites by flirting with persons or interests other than those worthy of the devotion of a family person. Such flirtations are a prelude to frustration.
ACQUIESCE to the lowest denomination. Emphasis is thus put on common. Aspire to rise above that which one can do alone by achieving what two can do together.
The Greek word translated love in this passage is AGAPOA, which is the same word used in Romans 5:8 telling of God’s love for us. It is the noblest and strongest word for love. It speaks of an act of the will rather than emotion. This kind of God-love is sacrificial love. It is always active. It is expressive yet controlled. I Corinthians 9:25 instructs us, “And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things.” Hence, an athletic expression is used to speak of self- discipline.
No person can love any other person properly until, in love, they have correctly related to the Christ who loves them most. If one will not receive His great love and return it, that one is not likely to be able to love others fully.
III. THERE MUST BE A CONCLUSION
As students progress in school they move from one grade level to the next. Each is different. Couples upon entering marriage need to remember they are not static. Marriages and families change. This requires flexibility and the capacity to adjust.
A study in the Journal of Developmental Psychology reports on a ten year study of 500 Midwestern marriages. It revealed that the quality of the marriage began to dip almost immediately after the marriage. This change continues for the first three years of marriage before plateauing and remaining constant for the next three years. The next change encompasses years eight, nine, and ten. It is commonly called the “seven year itch.”
Most studies show couples go into marriage simply anticipating being happy. The old line “They lived happily ever after” doesn’t fly. If couples enter marriage realizing things will not remain static they are better equipped to adjust. This is true of any relationship.
For there to be a successful completion of the courses taught in life’s prep school, the family, there must be love. The New Testament word used to describe this type love is the kind our Heavenly Father shows us, AGAPE. It means unselfish, self-giving love. It is not an act of the emotions but an act of will. We must live for each other. Remember the word “united” can become the word “untied” simply by changing the position of the little letter “I.”
The Bible appeals for us to “encourage one another and build each other up” (I Thessalonians 5:11).
An image of today’s family is a pyramid. The family is spread like the base. They are scattered. For the family to be cohesive they must come together at the apex of the pyramid. Right up at the top of the pyramid two lines converse at a given point. Daily family members must merge at the apex. It is God’s throne where they meet and pray for each other. This is best done when they are geographically together. However, even if separated by miles there should be a mutually agreed upon time when they meet at the apex in prayer for one another.
For there to be a harmonious horizontal relationship with one another there must be a good vertical relationship with the Lord.
When Storm Winds Come
“They shall mount up with wings like eagles.” Isaiah 40:31
We can learn from an eagle how to face the winds of adversity —- and we all do. First, expect adversity, don’t act surprised when it comes. Jesus warned us that in this world we would have tribulation.
Standing on the summit of Mount Pisgah, from where Moses first viewed the Promised Land, I got a good lesson from an eagle. From there the vast territory all the way west to the Mediterranean Sea and north to Mount Hermon can be seen. There was a massive storm moving in from the direction of the Sea. As the storm moved our way, I watched a soaring eagle. As the winter storm approached with its chilling rain, the eagle spread its five foot wings and faced into the storm. The winds caught beneath the fixed and locked wings, enabling the bird to rise effortlessly above the storm. There it virtually floated, using the storm as its source of strength. During its ascent through the chilly storm, ice had formed on its wings, but still it sailed and was sustained by the storm. At last, as the storm passed, it rode the wind currents back down to its habitat.
The eagle is designed for flight in the upper atmosphere. They have been seen by pilots above 35,000 feet. They are fashioned to be at home in the upper atmosphere. As the air becomes more rarified it defies most birds to enter it, the eagle becomes more at home. Turbulence causes thermal drafts that give the eagle greater lifting power. It loves turbulence; it works to the eagle’s advantage.
If you soar like an eagle it gives you a larger view, a better perspective of reality.
Man is wise, God is all-wise. Man proposes and God disposes.
Even if you have a four-wheel drive mind, it can get bogged down contemplating the wisdom of God. The thrill of it is, He is willing to share. He makes this offer: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). In modern parlance that is, without making you feel foolish.
Who soars like an eagle? “…those who wait on the Lord…” Isaiah 40:31. Are you ready for a day of waiting on the Lord? If so, go soar.
Jesus Sees You
“Nathanael said to Him, “How do You know me?” Jesus answered and said to him, “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.” John 1:18
When Jesus encountered Nathanael a conversation ensued in which Jesus let Nathanael know he knew him. Nathanael asked how. Jesus said, “…when you were under the fig tree, I saw you….”
What was so startlingly unusual about that, that it would have arrested Nathanael’s attention? In that day fig trees in the Bible Land grew large. They looked like a large mushroom with branches growing up, and drooping out forming a secluded open space underneath at the base. On hot days persons would crawl under where it was cooler, thinking no one could see them. Jesus was saying, I know you so thoroughly that I saw you when you thought no one could.
As a child when they told me Jesus saw me it scared the wits out of me. Then one day it dawned on me, “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy” Psalm 33:18.
What a joyous relief! He is constantly aware of me. That gave me motivation to do good with confidence, He knew my needs, and had the capacity to meet them. Relax. It still works.
Here is a good time to let God’s word speak for itself.
“You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.” Psalm 139:2
Are you willing to pray “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties….”? Psalm 139:23
Be assured, Jesus always sees you, even when you are under your “fig tree.”
Apples of Gold
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver.” Proverbs 25:11
This described an expression of kindness in the day Solomon penned it. At a banquet hosted by a king a silver filigree basket was often placed on the table filled with small golden apples. As a gesture of grace, at a given point during the feast the king would have the basket passed and each guest invited to take a golden apple. The apple embodied thoughtfulness, kindness, and generosity. It typified the value of words well spoken.
Today is yet another day for passing out golden apples. Keep in mind, an insightful and/or encouraging word is of great worth to the one to whom it is spoken.
“Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”
“Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4
“Kind words are like honey–sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24
“A person’s words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook.” Proverbs 18:4
The most powerful of words is the Word of God.
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” The word of God is so powerful it will change your life.
Check up on yourself, keep a total of the golden apples you give away today.
Now go give away some golden apples.
How to Build a Better Bond 3/12/00
Genesis 18:17-19
Jesus Christ wants to enable you to have better personal relations. That is, He wants to help us get along with each other. There is every evidence in our society we need such help. At no point is this more evident than in the most personal of relationships, the family.
Parents, who is raising your children?
Consider these facts. In 1979, 6% of children had televisions in their bedrooms; today 77%. A Kaiser Family Foundation survey reveals that children ages 2 – 18 spend nearly 5.5 hours a day outside of school with some type of media. Almost three of those hours watching TV. In the bedrooms of children 8 – 18, 21% have computers. 61% say they have NO parental control over their viewing or web activities.
Who is influencing your child?
Norman Lear who created the TV series “All In the Family” and other TV programs said: “The delight we once took in celebrating family and community seems to be vaporizing before us. You now have all these (TV) shows about lonely people coming together. It seems to me this is part of something profound. It is a disease in our time. There’s a television in every room, and the family has become splintered.”
Principles now to be shared are applicable to youth and adults, adults never married or those single again and those married, couples with and those without children, parents and grandparents. If you are a human being that ever circulates in society this message is for you. Application of certain principles, thought directly applicable to some are relevant to all.
From antiquity comes an account of a family needing direction. God had promised the aged Abraham and Sarah they would have children. Biologically this was impossible. Genesis 18: 14 reveals a principle that builds confidence and keeps hope alive: “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”
Put that on the screen saver of your mind and don’t turn off your mental computer. The Lord then gave certain specific instructions to Abraham. These ageless insights can renew relationships.
I. THERE MUST BE COMMUNICATION.
This elemental art is one of the most challenging aspects of relationships. Though we may have expansive vocabularies we often can’t communicate. Fellow males, one of the primary reasons is us.
A little boy and girl were playing together. She said, “Let’s play house!” “OK,” said the little boy, “what do you want me to do?” “To start with,” she said, “I want you to communicate.” “That’s a big word,” he replied, “I don’t know
what it means.” With a smirk the little girl says, “Great, you can be the husband.”
One reason we are poor communicators is we have bought in too deeply to the equality, or sameness, concept in our culture. Failing to acknowledge some of our basic differences walls are built up between males and females and this carries over into marriage.
The male is theoretical minded. He prefers to deal with theory, philosophy, or principles. He deals from a position of logic and reason. That’s good, but it isn’t all good. The female is person centered. She wants to know to whom what principle applies. She deals from the basis of sensitivity, a depth of feeling, or emotions. That is good, but it isn’t all good.
This is not to hint that males don’t have feelings or that females don’t have logic. It simply indicates a framework within which each deals. The difference is wonderful. It in part is why we need each other. We bring to a relationship our strengths and compliment and complete the other. It’s WONDERFUL!
NOTE THESE DIFFERENCES IN COMMUNICATION
MALE deals in generalities
FEMALE deals in details
Does this scenario which illustrates this point sound familiar?
The phone rings. You, the male answers. “I’ll get it,” you say, putting down the paper, “Hello.” A ten minute conversation ensues. When it ends the phone is hung up and the paper picked up. “Who was that?” “Yeji Jaboe’s, mother.” We haven’t heard from her in 8 years. “Well!” “Well, what?” “What did she say?” “She said Yeji is fine.” The tone indicates a strong desire to get back to the significant insight offered in “Calvin and Hobbes.” “That’s all she said?” The interrogation comparable to that of a good district attorney continues. She wants the entire story. You give it: “OK, Yeji just got out of prison after serving a sentence for a murder he committed when he was a drug dealer because he felt guilty when his wife died in a freak submarine accident while Yeji was involved with a teenage rapper, BUT he has his life straightened out and is adjusting well to his new wooden leg.” He has a good job as a trapeze artist and is engaged to marry a prominent member of the Dixie Chicks —- SO in other words he is fine just like I said.”
MALE communicates information
FEMALE communicates emotions
MALE uses indirect expressions: hugs, kisses, touch, looks
FEMALE prefers direct expression, say “I love you”
VIVE LA DIFFERENCE
To communicate —- listen.
Let your speech be embellished with grace.
“Let your speech be always with grace” (Colossians 4:6).
II. THERE MUST BE A CHARGE
God said that Abraham was to “command” his children and his household. Someone has to take charge if a household is to “keep the way of the Lord.”
Males and females are unquestioningly equal, BUT different.
One role in the family for the male is to be the mood setter. If the mood in your household isn’t good, dad, look in the mirror to find one of the basic reasons. Starting tomorrow set a new one. When you get up in the morning throw back the covers, stand to your full height, and look at your wife. Wow! Don’t over do it. Remembering that old expression, “Oily to bed oily to rise you don’t won’t to stare too long. Those antennae like curlers in the hair don’t do anything to enhance the view.”
When breakfast is finished compliment her with something like, “Honey, that was without a doubt the best breakfast any mortal man has ever enjoyed.” You do that the first morning and you won’t have to lie about it the second. When you start to leave, grab her, swing her around a couple of times right there in front of God and the children. The children might not remember much about you but they will never forget ole dad was a swinger. Work at creating a positive loving mood in the household.
Recently a cross segment of American teens were asked the following. How would your child answer? “Did either of your parents do the following with you during the past 24 hours?
Help with housework?
Praise you for something you did?
Hug or kiss you?
Tell you they love you?
Talk with you about your activities during the day?
Somebody, ideally dads, need to challenge the household to grow in their commitment to moral values.
Lawrence Kohlberg of Harvard has led the way in research in moral education and development. He found that a healthy mature person develops through three levels of moral thinking.
LEVEL ONE extends from birth to about age ten.
This is the totally self-centered stage. All issues and choices are viewed in terms of personal physical or pleasurable results. The game is played by these rules: If I am rewarded as I desire my conduct is good. If I don’t get what I want then my actions are bad. Loving, appropriate discipline is necessary to guide a child through this stage. Many persons never leave it.
LEVEL TWO begins sometime between ages ten and fourteen. At this stage the youth considers others as well as self. Choices are based on whether they please others or are approved by them. Peer pressure and idols exert an enormous influence. The status quo becomes important. Instruction and clear cut well explained guidelines need to lovingly be shared forcefully. Set limits on behavior. Look for teachable moments.
LEVEL THREE begins anytime after the late teens. Unfortunately level three never begins for some people. Kohlberg has reason to think that only 20% of adult Americans reach this level when a person chooses to do something because it is right in and of itself, because a principle is involved. At this stage one is not trying to please self, or others, but what matters is what is right. Internal convictions now become important. Morality is determined by principle not force as in level one or group acceptance as in group two. Honesty is now based on values not because of what a parent says or others think.
Which level characterizes you? Adults, have you gotten hung up in level one or two. If so you will never help your child reach level three which you likely are already expecting. Parents hung up in level one or two use any combination of the following ways to ruin their children:
- Teach but do not practice.
- Justify their child’s wrongdoing.
- Do not discipline.
- Laugh at child’s misbehavior.
- Give their child unearned money.
- Allow children to be disorderly.
- Let the child do his/her own thing.
We are to grow in grace and knowledge.
Knowledge we know. Grace we need to learn and share.
III. THERE MUST BE A CHALLENGE
Two married Christians don’t necessarily make for a Christian marriage. The traits of Christianity must permeate the family. Christian living is not an accomplished state it is a growing process. Marriage can be a rich and satisfying experience to those willing to sacrifice selfish goals and find in Christ their shared purpose for living. Don’t develop a theology of personal convenience, but personal conviction. Abraham was to challenge his household to “keep the way of the Lord” in “righteousness and justice.” How can a parent do this?
A. Develop and maintain a proper set of priorities. Maintain personal and spiritual integrity. What you are is more important than what you do, because what you are determines what you do. Strive for family intimacy. Recognize the importance of parenting. Strive for vocational excellence — but not at family expense.
B. Acknowledge and express love. Take an active role in the interest of each member of the family. An effective way of showing love is by listening. Be a friend, someone who is always ready to listen and help. Growing together requires time together. By that I don’t mean being at home at the same time with each watching their own TV, eating their favorite fast food, and waiting for their own phone to ring. It means being involved with each other.
C. Affirm the members of the household. That is, reassure one another. Live together as a team. Confirm strong points while helping development in areas of weakness. This is essential to others self-esteem and confidence.
D. Acknowledge yourself to be a spiritually dependent person. With Joshua say, “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.”