Life In The Parent – Child War Zone

PHILIPPIANS 1: 6

JESUS CHRIST “increased in wisdom and statue, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2: 52). That is the intended growth pattern for all of us.

We are to grow:
INTELLECTUALLY (in wisdom), PHYSICALLY (statue), SPIRITUALLY (with God), and SOCIALLY (with man).
When a person does there develops a well balanced life.

When a parent holds a new born child and gazes into its eyes they are looking at a candidate for a personality. Though the child is born with a basic temperament that is all its own, the parent does much to influence the developing personality. Because of knowing this many parents feel unable to cope, inadequate, full of self-doubt, unprepared to make the child feel loved and secure, and inevitably guilty.

Approximately 77 billion people have lived on this earth and still we feel inadequate to rear children. There was a day when grandparents were around to impart practical knowledge based on shared values. Today, in their absence, a plethora of books offer advice on how to rear children. Some of these are completely contrary to Scripture and yet sound plausible.

In the old West a cowboy came upon an Indian with his ear pressed to the ground and heard him mutter: “Wagon! Three people. Two men, one woman. Four horses. One black, three dapple. Wagon going west.”
The cowboy asked, “Can you tell all that by just listening to the sounds vibrating in the earth?”
“No,” said the Indian, “they run over me.”

Parents does that sound like you? Do you feel like you have been run over by your children? Have you resorted to anything that will work for the moment?

In his recent book, Parenting Isn’t for Cowards, Dr. James Dobson divided children into two groups as a result of an extensive survey involving over 35,000 households. The book resulted from his earlier book entitled, The Strong Willed Child.

Incidentally, one of Dr. Dobson’s staff members told me recently of some of the difficulty they have in people ordering items. One wrote requesting a copy of The Strong Wild Child.

Another wanted a copy of Parenting Isn’t for Cows.

One lady wrote, “I didn’t receive my copy of ‘Romance after Marriage.'” The reply, “We are sorry you didn’t receive ‘Romance After Marriage,’ we are sending a substitute.”

Intending to request a copy of “Men in Mid-life Crisis,” a listener asked instead for a copy of “Men in Mid-Night Crisis.”

A number of things affect a child’s development. John Curtis, cofounder of The Orlando Consulting Group, offers a mini profile as a way of helping identify traits of children.

Before listing these I want to fix the fact there are many exceptions to these basic rules. Knowing the tendencies can help compensate.

Firstborn: They are reared with duties, responsibilities, and expectations. As adults they tend to be leaders and occupy supervisory roles.
Middle Child: They tend to be good children that don’t often get into trouble. They are seldom first and rarely last at anything. As adults they don’t need much guidance or praise. They are good negotiators.
Baby: The youngest child tends to be creative, rebellious and spoiled. As adults they aren’t comfortable with much supervision because they didn’t get as much as their older siblings.
Only Child: Like the baby, they tend to be rebellious and creative. As adults they can tend to be difficult to manage because they are use to getting their way.

Meanwhile, back to the book. In his recent book Dobson groups children into two temperament categories with a great degree of difference in each group.

One is the COMPLIANT child. This child lives to please. If you have such a child thank the Lord.
Only 14% of them defy their parents even in an insignificant manner. Of those who did it was only for a short time. Of these compliant children 91% do not become difficult even during the terrible twos. Even during teen years only 17% become rebellious. The other is the STRONG WILLED child. Such a child is a challenge. 40% of them rebel as toddlers. The percentage rises during every stage of adolescence, reaching a peak of 74% in the teen years.

The survey divided children into five categories: VERY COMPLIANT, RATHER COMPLIANT, AVERAGE, RATHER STRONG-WILLED, VERY STRONG-WILLED. Of the 35,000 surveyed those over 30 months of age revealed 74% were very strong-willed and 24% were very compliant.

Both types of children need love and acceptance. Neither is likely to change type. Therefore, each must be dealt with differently. The strong willed child requires more discipline. This child is likely to see it if a sibling isn’t getting as much discipline. It should be calmly explained that it is the conduct that is being disciplined not just the person. If the sibling engages in the same conduct the same discipline will be given. This helps the child come to realize certain behavior results in given discipline.

WHAT IS A PARENT TO DO?
1. RECOGNIZE AND ACCEPT DIFFERENCES.
An amazing degree of diversity can exist between children of the same parents. Accept their differences and don’t make comparisons.

No two children are reared in the same home. Consider a given age of 5. Two siblings with an age difference of three years pass through the home at age five in different years and things have changed. The family might have even moved. The income level and/or schedule of the parents may have changed. For what ever reason no two children are reared in the same home.

2. ASSUME CONTROL EARLY IN LIFE.
Some doctor’s advocate not feeding infants when they cry. Instead establish feeding times and let the child learn to wait. Within a very few days the child learns. Learns what? Learns that it is not in control. The parent is. Otherwise the child starts off feeling that certain behavior gets desired response from parents. Thus, the child in is charge from the beginning.

Here is something parents might not want to know but need to know. A baby placed in substitute care, even very good care, for over 20 hours a week, is at risk psychologically. Children need the “emotional accessibility” of a parent with deep concern.

A recent study revealed that 8% of the child care for babies and infants is unsuitable and 40% is substandard. If child care must be used study the environment in which your child will be. The parent is responsible for conquering the will and bringing it to an obedient temperament. This necessitates informing the understanding of the child. Time is required and consistency is a must. By failing to give timely correction, stubbornness is cultivated and encouraged. Parents are instructed in God’s Word to “Train up a child in the way it should go.”

Psychologist say children aren’t born knowing how to love, but with a capacity to receive and experience love. In other words, they have to have it modeled for them by their parents. If a child doesn’t get it in infancy they grow up without knowing how to love.

Every willful act of disobedience must be dealt with proportionately. This is the only thing that will insure a child’s future happiness. This is not to suggest harshness, but it is to encourage consistent firmness.

Early childhood education should begin in the home. The three “R’s” should be taught at home and early in life. They are: RESPECT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND RESOURCEFULNESS.

3. IF YOU HAVE A VERY COMPLIANT CHILD DON’T PICK FIGHTS.
Some parents anticipate difficulty and transfer feelings stimulated by strong-willed children toward compliant ones. Don’t. Give your child, whether strong willed or compliant, standards as a challenge. This is especially good for the free time of summer.

Set standards in four categories:
PHYSICAL, such as, run a mile in a predetermined time.
SPIRITUAL, have the child memorize certain Scripture with predetermined rewards.
INTELLECTUAL, set a goal of reading a Christian biography and writing a report on it for a bonus.
PRACTICAL, if your child is old enough let him or her plan a family outing all by his or her self.

4. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
I heard one mother tell of hearing her two children laughing and squealing uncontrollably in the kitchen. She burst in and they were slinging their Jell-O all over the place. She said her first instinct was to descent on them in a rage. However, instantly it struck her as funny. Instead she got a spoon and joined them in flipping Jell-O against the wall. After it was over they cleaned it up together and agreed it was fun, but shouldn’t be done again.

5. CULTIVATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF FAITH.
“Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

Failure to do so is about to bankrupt our society spiritually. Well over 2,000,000 cases of child abuse are reported each year. Statistics show more twins are being born today. When that was shared with a third grade class one child responded, “I guess more twins are being born because little children are afraid to come into the world alone.”

Read Bible stories. Pray together. Make Christ real and personal by example. What they see is what they hear.